second thoughts

have you ever thought you were closer to someone than you actually were? have you ever had a friend that you thought was your best friend, but it turns out the other person didn't feel the same way? i have. and i am now realizing that. it's okay. that's all how life is. i am bummed about it, but it's life and no one can force another person to love them. god doesn't. how can we expect to? it just makes me sad.

four weddings and a funeral. that's what we've got here. it's not as entertaining as the movie. but it is an opportunity to love deeper than you think you have the capacity. god provides the extra ability. the extra support to hold me up and to help hold others up. to be supported by the ones you love means everything. to be supported by god makes life rich, even if bittersweet. new life begins and other life ends as we know it and becomes eternal in some other place, closer than we know. god is the only one able to sustain us all. he makes our souls complete, our marriages complete, and our death complete eternal life. how alone we are without his help. god, send your peace.

velociraptors, teaching, and oh my gosh

this post is one in responce to a comment from the lovely d'love about cutting down on the velociraptor screach. yes, i have a screach that one might think comes from a velociraptor, but it's really from me. pretty cool, i know, i know. i'll try to teach you if you want. i'm not reading into the comment, because it was a funny joke not meant to be taken seriously. but it made me think about grown-up-ness. yes, i have a grown-up job, but i want to still be me. i don't know. i know we all have to "grow up" and be "mature," but i just don't want to become a grown-up that kids think are really grown-ups. i want to be the kind of grown-up that kids say "you're old- but you don't SEEM like a grown-up" about. you know what i mean? i don't want to lose my wonder about the universe and maybe some might say naivete (please don't make a comment that that is spelled incorrectly if it is- i don't really care that much) that i can do good and make a difference in the world. i want to keep it as long as i can. i don't mind having people say i'm an idealist, because i know i'm a realist, too. i know the world and it's ugliness and selfishness and what it takes to be "successful." but i want to try to do it differently. i want to be me. and to be successful. and to do what i do really well. i'm going to try not to be hardened and calloused, even though maybe i "should" be. i want to try to be authentically me. weird, but me. i'll let you know how that goes.

in other news, this is the last week of official class!! i got an award yesterday for being an "outstanding teaching assistant." my students like me!! weird. i make them do lots of work and don't give them full credit on their assignments, but they still like me. super. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. now i have to get cranking on my thesis. right.

and oh my gosh- i'm getting married in 9 weeks and 1 day! super, super, super! i love him and i'm going to marry him! neat.