Shanna Beth

A dream not to forget

2005-12-03T04:10:00.000-06:00

It's 4:00 am. It won't be a long blog, but I've got to remember my dream. We were in Waco. Not everyone, but just a few of the old crew. I stayed with Ann because she lived there. She woke me up at 5:30 am and asked me to go with her- she was upset about Radley. She said if I would keep her company at Radleys memorial in the woods, she'd come with me and there was another memorial for Kyle. I was so tired. It was a cold, misty, grey morning, but nice and quiet. We got there and it was a small gathering. It was like it was a gathering for those who felt like maybe they didn't belong- to say- yes, you do belong, you were important to him. And I belonged. Tracey (TK) was there. It was so good to see her!!! I missed her. We hugged and talked. She was sad, but better. She held my hand and it was so comforting.

Then Dave and Toni came in. It was so good to talk with them, too. We gave the biggest hugs. Toni was so beautiful and had a sweet mysterious smile. When Dave hugged me, he said he felt comfortable hugging me since I'm like him (skinny). Lynnette was there too, and Kevin Morris (he plays bass in the band later in the dream, like he used to) and Craig. Then the group of us walked down the path in the woods where the chapel was. As we were walking, Jen skipped up to me. She was wearing a purple dress (the bold color) and had a jokers hat on, you know the kind that has the purple balls on the end. The balls were bouncy and she was so cheery, like her old self, but completely different. She was happy to see me, but when I asked how she was, she disappeared into the crowd. We walked in and Dave and the guys were already playing.

I found a place, by myself for some reason, in the middle. Most people were there and were cheery and happy. I guess they had already said goodbye. And as I listened to Dave's beautiful music, I cried and cried. No one minded and I wasn't afraid to do it in frony of everyone. I looked to my right, and three girls I had never seen before had Avery (she didn't look like Avery at all though). She was smiling and content, playing in the pews. It was so strange.

Then, someone brought these birds on the stage. They were the strangest creatures I had ever seen. There were two red ones on either side of the white. They were like two-story birds. They were slender and sleek, and so beautiful, in a heavenly sort of way. They were like creatures described in the Bible- but so peacefully beautiful. I don't have the words to describe them. They were going to be set free to go to Kyle when we buried him. Their song was peace. I was mesmerized and couldn't do anything but stare at the birds.

Then I woke up. I miss him and pray everyday for Jen and others in Waco who lost so much more than I. Peace be with them.

dizzy

2005-10-31T19:35:00.000-06:00

what a sad day today. my former pastor and friend from college died on sunday. you know, sometimes there's just not a reason for anything. freak accidents do happen. it's completely, dumb-foundingly, stupidly un-imaginable. you can go to lynnette's blog for more details if you want them (the link is on the side of this blog), but really, there aren't any words for his accident. it makes me dizzy to think about it. and very sad. please pray for his wife, jen and his little daughter and two twin boys. they must be in excruciating pain.

Napoleon Dynamite quiz- pretty good I guess...

2005-10-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

You are pretty much the coolest animal, a Liger.

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by

long time no write

2005-09-27T21:51:00.000-05:00

yep, it's been awhile. i started my job three weeks ago, and like lynnette, find it hard to come home after sitting in front of a computer just to do it again at home. but i will try harder. this one's going to be short since it's almost 10:00 and i'm super tired. isn't that so sad and OLD of me? what's up? being at work at 8:00 am must be some sort of sin. it feels like i'm doing something so WRONG! especially with a half an hour commute to work (it's only half an hour because of the traffic). i need a new car. mine's going to die. she hates me. especially since it's been between 104-108 degrees for the past 5 days or something crazy.

so, i had a cherry pie tonight. yep, i love whole foods. they have a whole gluten-free section of food that totally doesn't SUCK. even the bread- i can eat the sandwich bread just like bread- no need to dilute the taste with toasting ro butter or jam or whatever else. neat, huh? i also had pizza the other day with one of their crusts. oooooh, heavenly.

music this weekend was definately happening. i saw willie and friends last wednesday for the hurricane katrina benefit. that man is so awesome. and he's old, but he had 2 sons on stage that were my age or YOUNGER! who says smoking pot lowers your sperm count??!!! ya right! not for this man! there were so many cool people there- patty griffin, the flatlanders, bob schnieder, ray price, the nevell brothers (SO AWESOMELY COOL JAM FEST!), eric johnson, and i know i'm forgetting others.

then this weekend was the ACL fest. we only went on friday, which i heard was a good decision because of the heat and crazy amount of dust. but friday, we saw robert earl keen, the allman brothers, the blues travellers, lyle lovett (only a couple of songs), and the black crows. there was an obsurd amount of people there, but the tunes and people watching were totally worth it. that's one cool show- just very, very hot.

oh man, it's late and now that i have a real job, i'm OLD, so i have to get ready for bed. OLD!

how my genious broke the printer

2005-08-11T20:50:00.000-05:00

my thesis, entitled "using chemical data to define flow systems in cuatro cienegas, coahuila, mexico," is so good, it broke the printer while i was trying to print it. yes, that's right, I AM FINISHED WITH MY MASTERS THESIS AND I TURNED IT IN TO THE GRADUATE OFFICE THIS AFTERNOON!!!!!!!! can you believe it? i just need to print copies for my professors now, but the printer just can't handle such genious-ness, so it's not cooperating. but, i'm not letting it get me down, oh no. i just turned in my masters thesis to the graduate office. i'm technically free. oh, freedom is so beautiful. i wonder what it's like to be a normal person again. i'm looking forward to joining the so-called real life, with guiltless nights and weekends. i can enjoy that, right? is it possible? ;-) this feels good (even if the printer is retarded).

the wedding, honeymoon, and aftermath

2005-07-21T16:55:00.001-05:00

it's been a while since i've written. i'm sure my plethora of readers is quite disappointed. right. so, since i've last written, lots of changes have happened. most importantly, i got married!! yep, july 9 was the big date. it was so great to see friends from all my circles come together. drama ensued, as it does at any wedding event, but it was beautiful and i got to marry my best friend. i was so nervous right before we got married and had to hold on to jack tightly while we were up there to make sure that i didn't fall over from sheer excitement and nervousness. i really did almost fall over a couple of times! but i was so happy to be getting married, it was all worth it. and my groom was so handsome, i'm sure that's another contributing factor to my weak knees!

after the wedding, we went on a honeymoon to the mayan riviera, south of cancun. we stayed in a little casita at an all-inclusive resort that had an outdoor shower, pool at the outside patio, hammock, jacuzzi, and all you can eat and drink. the deserts were fantastic, the food was great, and the drinks were strong. we did mostly nothing. after months of planning and stress (not just from the wedding but other stuff), it feels so amazing to just sit. we laid on the beach, went swimming, laid in the sun, went snorkling, etc. ;-) but really, we did a whole lot of nothing and i loved it.

we did take two days out of our nothingness to go to this waterpark called xel-ha, and to go to the mayan ruins: chichen itza. at xel-ha, I SWAM WITH DOLPHINS!!! yep, it was so fun. i got to pet them and swim with them and love them. oh man, that was so fun. at one point, i was laying flat like superwoman and two dolphins came up behind me and each put their nose on one of my feet and pushed me up so that i was standing up and flying throught the water. so great!!! they jumped over me and one kissed my head (there's a picture of that- i'll post it if i learn how). that was way cool. we also did a lot of snorkelling while we were there (xel-ha).

at chichen-itza, we climbed to the top of the huge pyramid, which was slightly scary. we learned a lot about mayan history and walked around the ruins all afternoon. it was out of a movie, with lush forest around us, then ruins. definately a must see if you go.

so about the hurricane, that was interesting for sure. we heard it was a possibility on friday when we got back from chichen itza. then heard it was for sure on saturday. the preparations at the hotel created an air of excitement and a little fear for all of the guests. they built barricades, taped and boarded windows, removed anything that would fly, shut down the consumption of alcoholic beverages, and held a resort-wide meeting. we weren't sure at first if we would be able to leave, but due to its decreased speed as it crossed jamaica, our flight out (scheduled for 1:00 pm on sunday) was not cancelled. while we were waiting for our ride out of there, we listened in on the instructions to the other guests at the resort- pack up your stuff and put it in the bathroom of your room, take one carry-on per couple with all valuables with you, and one pillow and blanket per person and return to the lobby if evacuation is needed. i'm so glad we got out. the airport was a madhouse, but thanks to god's grace, our wedding and honeymoon were perfectly timed!

now i've moved into our house, and we have boxes everywhere. we are married. weird. but it's great. it's hard getting back to work and the routine, especially since sleep was so familiar to us last week. but it's also really nice to learn to live life together. i'm writing on my third draft of the thesis, which is difficult. jack is back to dell world. real life. but real life together is really much better. so, there's my update. for those of you who were at my wedding and those who helped, thank you sooooooo much. seriously, i feel so amazingly blessed by you. i wish i could tell you just how much, but you'll just have to trust me. thank you.

a funny story...

2005-06-16T10:29:00.000-05:00

here's a funny story for your entertainment (hopefully someone will be entertained by this)...

one day, a girl who was going to get married in three weeks walked into a bridesmaid store to pick up her dresses. the dresses were already 2 weeks late. the lady behind the counter dutifully got up to get the dresses after discussing a misprint of the word victory for victorian as the color for the dress. prior to entering the room, she told the bride "now, don't freak out..." the victory blue dresses were magically changed into victorian lavender in color. the bride got light purple dresses instead of dark blue-green dresses. isn't that funny????!!!!! hahahahahaha. someone, please laugh.

2 down, 1 to go

2005-06-01T16:18:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOSH!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! i think i just finished the second draft of my thesis!! yes. yes, i think so. i have no words to tell you how good it feels. i will turn it in tomorrow and get comments back soon thereafter (probably after i'm married). then, it's the final draft. i hope anyway. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH. what a big honking relief! oh my gosh, what do i do with myself now? oh right, real life... sweet.

second thoughts

2005-05-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

have you ever thought you were closer to someone than you actually were? have you ever had a friend that you thought was your best friend, but it turns out the other person didn't feel the same way? i have. and i am now realizing that. it's okay. that's all how life is. i am bummed about it, but it's life and no one can force another person to love them. god doesn't. how can we expect to? it just makes me sad.

four weddings and a funeral. that's what we've got here. it's not as entertaining as the movie. but it is an opportunity to love deeper than you think you have the capacity. god provides the extra ability. the extra support to hold me up and to help hold others up. to be supported by the ones you love means everything. to be supported by god makes life rich, even if bittersweet. new life begins and other life ends as we know it and becomes eternal in some other place, closer than we know. god is the only one able to sustain us all. he makes our souls complete, our marriages complete, and our death complete eternal life. how alone we are without his help. god, send your peace.

velociraptors, teaching, and oh my gosh

2005-05-06T11:47:00.000-05:00

this post is one in responce to a comment from the lovely d'love about cutting down on the velociraptor screach. yes, i have a screach that one might think comes from a velociraptor, but it's really from me. pretty cool, i know, i know. i'll try to teach you if you want. i'm not reading into the comment, because it was a funny joke not meant to be taken seriously. but it made me think about grown-up-ness. yes, i have a grown-up job, but i want to still be me. i don't know. i know we all have to "grow up" and be "mature," but i just don't want to become a grown-up that kids think are really grown-ups. i want to be the kind of grown-up that kids say "you're old- but you don't SEEM like a grown-up" about. you know what i mean? i don't want to lose my wonder about the universe and maybe some might say naivete (please don't make a comment that that is spelled incorrectly if it is- i don't really care that much) that i can do good and make a difference in the world. i want to keep it as long as i can. i don't mind having people say i'm an idealist, because i know i'm a realist, too. i know the world and it's ugliness and selfishness and what it takes to be "successful." but i want to try to do it differently. i want to be me. and to be successful. and to do what i do really well. i'm going to try not to be hardened and calloused, even though maybe i "should" be. i want to try to be authentically me. weird, but me. i'll let you know how that goes.

in other news, this is the last week of official class!! i got an award yesterday for being an "outstanding teaching assistant." my students like me!! weird. i make them do lots of work and don't give them full credit on their assignments, but they still like me. super. it makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. now i have to get cranking on my thesis. right.

and oh my gosh- i'm getting married in 9 weeks and 1 day! super, super, super! i love him and i'm going to marry him! neat.

i got a job

2005-04-29T13:23:00.000-05:00

yep, i got a job. i don't actually start until the last week of august, but it's nice to know i'll have something after i graduate. i think i'm really going to like it. it'll be with an environmental consulting firm (i always said i'd never work for one of these!) and i'll be working on chemical remediation projects at contaminated groundwater sites. pretty exciting, huh? well, it is to me. there some really cool stuff going on with iron reducers right now. uh huh, just what you all wanted to know (all 5 of you who read this!). ;-) so, that's just super!! i'll be married to a really super great sweet wonderful loving handsome man by then too. yay! horray! aaaaaahhhhh. neat. bye.

lighthouses

2005-04-25T15:53:00.000-05:00

i have always been fascinated with light. and lighthouses. like the one on my blog page. i’ll talk more about light later- trust me. but lighthouses are what’s catching my attention right now. it’s such a perfect analogy (maybe perfect is too strong a word, but you get my drift). i just keep picturing a boat in the middle of the ocean. it is tossed and turned around in every direction, depending on the weather, and has no anchor that is strong enough to hold it to the ocean floor. and it’s dark outside. are you picturing this? because the boat is so small and the waves so big, it seems that there is no light. but then, as the boat rises to the top of one of the waves, before falling back to the trough-out of nowhere- comes a beam of light. it catches the eye only for an instant, because it must keep scanning, but it’s enough. there is light. it isn’t completely dark. there is guidance and direction and strong ground. the direction is clear, if only for a moment. lighthouses are an illustration of hope and guidance. they provide a warning light and a safety light. in the midst of indecision and a whirlwind of crazy life, there is truth- our God provides that. there is guidance. there is hope. there is direction. land is near. it’s not any particular place on land that we are searching for- only solid ground. and it’s searching for us (He is searching for us). that’s comforting. decisions don’t have to be so hard- we just need to look at the important factors- love, life, and land- the solid ground that he leads us to.

thank you alanis...

2005-04-22T11:12:00.000-05:00

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

-Precious Illusions by Alanis Morissette

procrastination and alternate universes

2005-04-19T15:39:00.000-05:00

procrastination is an amazing thing. i'm pretty sure it is inversely proportional to pressure. it is the highest when there is little to no pressure exerted on the subject doing the procrastinating. take me for an example: my tech talk (equivalent of a master's thesis defence) is this thursday, i have a paper and 45 minute presentation due next week that i have not bothered to start, my thesis is in dire need of loving attention, i should get a job since my funding is up this may, i'm planning a wedding for this july (the 9th), etc, etc, etc., and i'm sitting here writing a blog and reading other people's blogs. hmmm. there is no real due date for anything. therefore, there is no pressure. therefore, there is much procrastination. great. just great.

on another equally disturbing subject, you know how there's an alternate universe for the socks that get lost in the dryer? do you suppose that there is another one for pens and pencils? i think there must be...

look out world, this could get crazy

2005-04-19T03:34:00.000-05:00

um, yes. thanks to some beautiful friends, i, shanna beth, have a blog site! holy wierdness! i do have a lot to say and it usually just gets said in my head. so now, whoever reads this will hear my head thoughts. does anyone else think that's a bit odd? well, if you don't yet, you will. i think this will be fun. yay! horray!